Annoying Edward
by teamjacob1
Summary: Alice finds a list of ways to annoy Edward. How long untill he cracks? To Edward fans- GET OVER IT! It's all in good humor
1. The Plan

_A/N Hey peoples! This is my first fanfic so I wanna know waht you think. Thanks to youtube and the people who upload videos. Love read and review. _

Jasper's POV

When Alice called a secret meeting with her michevios smile slopped across her features, I knew something was brewing.

The meeting consisted of all members of the household, minus Edward, Carlise, and Esme.

"Okay, guys!!" Alice began, clapping her hands together in her excitement. "In your minds, this meeting does not exsist, got it?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Plotting against Edward?"

Alice nodded.

"Cool! It's fun messing with him!" Emmett said gleefully.

"So we all now how addicted I am to the Internet." Alice began. "I came across this list. And we're gonna use it against Eddy and make him crack."

Alice was so happy at this idea of hers , I felt myself grinning like an idiot.

" Just do what I tell you and enjoy the results." Alice said. " Do you all agree and trust me?"

"Yes!" Emmett agreed instantly.

"I don't trust you but Emmett seems fine with it." Said Rosalie, sweeping her hair back. "Sure"

I stepped closer to my wife and put my arm around her in an effort to get her to tell me her plan. "Whatever you say, sweet."

"Good. You'll get your first mission later. Now go!"

Rosalie and Emmatt filed away.

"You gonna tell me your plan?" I asked, smiling seductively.

" I found a list of ways to annoy Edward. " Alice said quietly, so the nosy people in the house wouldn't hear. " I wanna use them."

I smiled. "I give him two weeks."

_A/n So, yeah. That's it so far. Read and review. I say hi to all awesome twilight fans. Only a few days!! And hi to Tori and Palak._


	2. Eddy

Hello again! I'm sorry, I know the first chapter sucked and it was boring but I had to set up the story somehow. There's a pole up on my profile. Check it out! I'm sorry my profile is so boring. My stupid computer won't let me edit. Anyways, to the story!

**Almost forgot! This takes place shortly before breaking dawn and the wedding**

**Disclaimer: I haven't done this yet, have I? I don't own Twilight. I wish I did.**

BPOV:

"All right, guys. The plan is officially in motion." Alice said. "Edward is no longer Edward. He's Eddy. All the time."

I don't know why I agreed to torture my soon-to-be husband. From the look on Alice's face, she had some big plans. They had clued me in and stupid me agreed.

"Dismissed" Alice waved us away.

I arrived at the front door the same time Edward entered, his eyes that topaz color I so loved.

He swept me into an embrace. "Hello, love."

"Eddy's home!" I heard Emmett cackle from the living room.

Edward's lips twitched but he didn't say anything about the nickname.

I heard a thud and then "Ow!" from Emmett. Rosalie breezed past us, pleased with herself.

Emmett hobbled into the room, walking stiffly.

"Ouch, Rose!" he shouted up the stairs. "You crushed it! It'll be a week before _that's _ usable again."

I heard Jasper and Alice laughing wildly from upstairs.

"I haven't been home for ten minutes and already Emmett has gotten himself in trouble" Edward remarked. "Are you hungry, Bella? We could go out to eat."

"Sorry, Eddy. I have to cook for Charlie. Honestly, how did the man survive with out me?"

He took me home in the Volvo. I made sure to eave furiously at him as he pulled out of the driveway." See you later, Eddy!"

Annoying Edward way #1: Call him Eddy. All the time.

So, waddya think? Thanks to the three people who reviewed. –random applause- Oh, and to all the people who put me on their favs and whatnot. Yay for you! Theirs a poll on my profile. Check it out.

**Hi to my friends Sam and Christina. (sorry I left you out the first time)**


	3. Gilligan's Island

You guys are just so awesome that I'm gonna update again! Thanks to the one person who checked out the poll.

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Twilight. Or the barney and Gilligan's island theme songs.

**EmPOV**:

I hadn't puzzled out exactly what Alice had planned but as soon as she mentioned the "Barney Theme Song", I was in.

Around midnight, Edward came home from hunting. I cast a sly glance at Jasper.

_I love you_

_You love me_

_We're a happy family._

I mentally sang.

Next to me, I knew Jasper had also started singing in his head, though it was the theme to "Gilligan's Island.

Edward heard and cast us an inquisitive glance. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alice listening attentively.

Edward sat down and cast his eyes towards the TV, trying to block us out.

_I LOVE YOU!_

_YOU LOVE ME!_

I roared the words in my head.

_Emmett!, _I heard distantly in my head at a pause in the song.

I smiled in triumph and nodded slightly at Alice.

When Edward put his head in his hands, pinching the bridge of his nose, Alice spoke up. "Anything wrong, Eddy? You seem awfully distracted"

"Oh nothing, _Ali_." He replied with forced calmness. "except the fact I have Emmett on one side screaming the Barney song and Jasper on the other with Gilligan's Island. Not to mention you. I DON'T want to know all that about Jasper." He shuddered and Jasper sent waves of embarrassment through the room, uncomfortable with his wife's tactics. "What's wrong with you, man?"

Dear Eddy got up and strode from the room, knocking over a chair in the process.

We slapped each other high-fives.

"I think it's time to bring in some new people to help us with this" Alice said lightly.

Way #2: Mentally sing the Barney song or the theme to Gilligan's Island in your head whenever he enters a room.

**Well? I know we're all expecting a big reaction from Edward but don't worry! It'll come soon! Thanks to the people who review. It really makes me happy. Check out the poll on my profile. Show your support for your team!! Review if you want to find out who's gonna help Alice annoy Edward!**


	4. Outside Help

OMJ, peoples!! I just came back from seeing Twilight (and it was freaking awesome. I almost hyper- ventilated when I saw Jacob) And because tonight is so special, I'm gonna update.

_**Oh, almost forgot! It has come to my attention that some people (*cough cough* Palak) think that the characters are OOC. So review, tell me what YOU think and vote on my poll. Surprisingly, it's a tie …**_

APOV

I knew exactly who I wanted to help. The only problem was Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie would surely reject the idea.

So I was apprehensive when I called for a meeting. Bella was missing from our ranks, given the duty of distracting Edward, a task she happily undertook.

"You mentioned outside help," said Emmett, skipping all formalities. "Who?"

"Well…" I started, unsure how to approach. "The La Push pack. Mainly Jacob. (_**A/N Yay! Jacob! Sorry)**_"

"WHAT?" Three heads snapped around to look at me.

"Why do we want the dogs help?" Rose said coldly.

"Because," I said quickly. "It will seriously get to Edward. It'll make the final result even better.

There was a silence.

"Well?" Will we use the La Push pack?" I asked.

"What will they help us with?" Jasper, my hero, asked. I needed to remember to thank him for that later.

I smiled wickedly. "Well, they'll start by making a little list. Of all the ways werewolves in general are better than him."

"Cool!" Emmett punched a fist in the air.

"Fine", Jasper said, though grudgingly.

I beamed at him. "Thanks, Jazz!"

All eyes turned towards Rosalie. She put her hands up in defiance. "No," she said firmly. "No, no, NO!"

"Roooosssseee," Emmett whined sounding like a five year old. "Please?" He stuck his lip out in a pout.

That pushed us all over the edge. We burst out laughing, including Rose, who tried so hard not to.

"Wow, Emmett!" I exclaimed. "Even I didn't see that coming. So what it'll be, Rose?"

"Whatever. I'm not helping the dogs, though."

"Yay! Thanks, Rose!" I gushed. I darted from the room, off to call Jacob and then _shop_. I hadn't been in like, a day and a half.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

BPOV:

I wasn't informed of the next phase of Alice's "Grand Plan" until it actually happened.

Edward and I were in biology when Mike Newton tapped me on the shoulder, making me jump. Of course, my hand shot out and knocked over the beaker on my desk. It shattered all over the floor.

"Sorry," I mumbled, blushing scarlet. I whipped around to face Mike. "What?!" I hissed.

He handed me a note, folded into a neat little triangle. Then he motioned towards Edward.

I handed Edward the note without bothering to glance at the handwriting.

I was distracted until I heard Edward beside me.

"That, mutt!"

"What?"

Wordlessly, he handed me the note. Scrawled across the top of it was

'_All the ways Werewolves are better than Edward Cullen._'

Written in Jacob's handwriting.

_Number 1: We're warm. You won't freeze to death with us._

_Number 2: We're tall. Need help with that high shelf?_

A whole list of reasons.

"You, know." I said, hiding a smile. " Some of these are pretty accurate, Eddy."

I know it says I just came back from Twilight but I typed up this chapter in a period of two days so it's no longer true. I was having human moments, so I went to bed. Oh, well. I dedicate this chapter to cocacola78. I swear, you must be Alice in disguise. (She guessed what my next way to annoy Edward exactly right.)

**I have a new fanfic up! Check it out. Okay, enough of my rambling.**


	5. Werewolves are AWESOME

Hey! Short Chapter cuz I should be doing other more important things (cough homework cough). This kinda goes with last Chapter.

BPOV:

Jacob was waiting for us at the house, leaning casually against his motorcycle.

"You!" Edward spat, slamming the door to his Volvo.

"Me." Jacob replied calmly.

"What do you want, mutt?"

"I just came to tell you that I forgot a few things from that list." Jacob said.

Edward snarled in annoyance

Jacob continued calmly. " Unlike you, I have an awesome catch phrase."

"Which is?" I asked.

"Sure, sure."

"Leave, mutt. NOW. I heard enough from your thoughts." Edward said softly, dangerously.

"Eddy-kins," I said, tugging on his arm. "Calm down."

"No more Eddy. EDWARD. E-D-W-A-R-D. Got it?"

That was my cue to stop. I was out. It had gone too far.

Yeah, that's it. It didn't turn out the way I planned. It gets better next chapter I promise. Check out my poll. Jacob is still winning. (YAY!) and review, review, REVIEW! Please. With sugar on top.


	6. This means WAR, Edward Cullen

Thanks to all the awesome people that reviewed or put me on their Fav stories list. It makes me so happy when I check my emails.

**Sorry this is such a short chapter. For some strange reason my mom thinks I spend too much time on the computer. **

**Remember to check out my poll! Last time I checked Team Jacob was winning.**

BPOV:

After school the next day, Edward seemed eager to get home. He drove even faster than normal.

I climbed out of the Volvo and already I could hear the chaos going on inside the Cullen house.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, Carlisle! Not my Credit cards!" We walked in the middle of Alice's wailing. She clung desperately to Carlisle's arm.

"YOU!!" she said, noticing Edward and turning on him. "You told Carlisle how I went overboard on my shopping. You promised you wouldn't!"

Edward smiled. "And you got Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, _and_ Bella to annoy the heck out of me I got my revenge.

"Emmett slipped!" Alice hissed. "But why Edward? My credit cards."

She paused a moment to compose herself.

"This means war, Edward Cullen!"

So what do you think?? I update faster when I get reviews (Hint hint)

**Let's have a random trivia question to see who reads all my ramblings. Winners get a shout out. So…**

**What are Stephanie Meyer's brother's names? **

**You can find this on her website. They like cars.**


	7. Beware of the maneating chalk!

What is up, people? (Seriously. How do you answer that question? I want to know!!) It's Thanksgiving vacation; perfect time to update and I get writer's block. Isn't that uber suckish? So I'm really sorry if this chapter sucks. I dedicate it to Tori who picked up that piece of chalk in drama club.

_**Check out my poll! Edward is winning. **_

APOV:

Slow and steady. That was the way to go as slowly Edward lost his mind. He asked for it.

I had the perfect plan and I was practically bouncing in my seat, waiting for the class I had Edward in.

Finally the bell rang for that class and I bounded out of the door, reciting the song "We are the Champions" by Queen so Edward wouldn't pick up what was on my mind.

I smiled pleasantly as I Slid in the other seat next to Edward that wasn't occupied by Bella.

Okay, class!" The teacher clapped his hands for attention. "I want to see who did their homework so when I call on you, kindly go up to the board and underline all he prepositions in the next sentence." He indicated a bunch of sentences scrawled across the board. "First up, um, how about Mr. Cullen? Maybe he can stop talking to Miss Swan long enough to do us that favor?"

I snickered at Edward. He got up and walked to the board slowly. He stretched out his hand to pick up a piece of chalk…and that's when I chose to attack.

"Geez, Edward." I said. "It's called get a tan. Or at least buy yourself a can of Insta-tan. Look! Even the chalk is darker than you. Tisk, tisk."

Snickers went up around the class. Edward finished the problem on the board and calmly returned to his seat.

I aw him scribble a note before he pushed it to me.

_Oh, don't worry, _it read. _I'll get back at you REAL soon._

Yuppers. That's about it, for now. Thanks to all the people that have reviewed and given me ideas to annoy Edward. I"LL USE THEM, I PROMISE!!

**OH, almost forgot! Congratulate the following people who actually read the author's note at the bottom and answered my question of "What are Stephanie Meyer's brother's names?"**

HairSpunofGold – YAY!! All three right!

suckerforavampire – a little unsure but~ yippie!!

DxS Phreak – someone knows what they're talking about! Finally. Not even I understand half the stuff I come up with.

shouvley- right!!

JaBoyYa- Yupper-doodles!!

aliceandra- feel loved! You get a shout out!

That's all folks!


	8. I'm with you

Hey peoples! Thanks for all the reviews. _**Someone (I forgot who, sorry.) Reminded me that I did not put up another question.**_

_**So "What is Stephanie Meyer's middle name?" Thanks to **_TwilightLover4Eva _**for that one!! :)**_

_**Oh and some people answered my questions late so here's your shout out!**_

BellaCullen435- _**Woo-hoo!**_

TwilightLover4Eva- _**Yupper-doodles!**_

_**Special shout out to **_DefyingGravitywJB _**for answering my question of 'What do you**_ _**respond to when someone says "What's up?"**_

_**And finally, the story!**_

BPOV

After school at the Cullen's house, Alice cornered me the first chance she got.

"So, Bella." she began. "Edward says you aren't gonna annoy him anymore. Won't you get back in the war? For your best sister ever?"

"I said before, Alice. I refuse to become part of this never-ending battle." I told her. I attempted to squeeze past her, but she grabbed my arm with fingers like steel.

"The offer stands." she said, with a knowing look that annoyed me. She released me and I went to join Edward on the couch.

I snuggled next to him, loving the feel of his hard body against mine. We sat in silence as an old episode of _Full House_ came on the television screen.

After a while, I turned to him and started speaking to him about a matter that had been growing on my mind every second. "Edward. The wedding's coming soon."

He shifted, not knowing what I was leading up to. "Yes, love. Your not getting cold feet, are you?"

"No. It just means…you need to change me soon."

"Bella" he said. "Please don't."

I refused to give up. "Soon. Like after the wedding."

He caressed my check with his hand. "Or… we could wait. A few years. You could go to college. I'm sure Charlie would like that."

I pouted. "I don't care about Charlie." I lied.

"Yes, you do." He said softly.

I let my breath out in a huff. Now I was getting annoyed. "But-"

At that moment, Alice darted into the room. I remembered her knowing smile and suddenly I changed what I was going to say mid-sentence. "Alice? I'm gonna help you."

Sorry, another super short chapter. But I'll try to update again tonight.

_**Be sure to check out my other stories and my poll. Edward is winning. (WHERE ARE YOU TEAM JACOB FANS!?). **_

_**Review!**_


	9. Pizza Day

Okays, people! I said I'd update after a pitifully short chapter and this one turned out to be super long. Thanks to the person who suggested it. PM me and I'll give you an awesome shout out cuz I don't remember who you are anymore.

_**Xoxoxo-THANKS FOR THE REVEIWS- xoxoxo**_

APOV:

Edward hadn't gotten revenge yet. I was kinda disappointed. So I was gonna unleash one of the worst ones I had.

I got to he Swan residence before Edward did, intending to steal Bella just to start off the day with a small burr in Edward's beard.

It was a good thing I got there because she had picked an _awful_ outfit.

"Change," I said simply, holding up an outfit I actually approved of.

Smart girl, knew not to argue with me.

On the way to school, I informed her of my plans for the day. At first she looked appalled, but I reminded her of the failed negotiation the previous day, she became quite devious.

The morning classes dragged on forever. Finally it was lunchtime.

It was Friday, which meant it was pizza day at the school cafeteria.

I got in line behind Mike Newton.

Bella walked down the hall and I motioned for her to cut in line to where I was. Edward came with her, a packaged deal.

_Perfect, _I thought. Before quickly changing my thought and reciting the first scene of _Othello _by Shakespeare.

Edward shot me a look that managed to be a glower and an inquisitive glance at the same time.

I shifted my attention to the person in front of me.

" So, Mike." I began. He looked around wildly, making sure I was addressing him. " You like pizza day?"

He nodded. "I could eat 10 boxes of the stuff."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? I asked. "Cuz Edward here loves pizza too. I'm amazed he's so thin what with all the pizza he eats."

Edward opened his mouth to protest but at that moment, Bella swooped in and kissed him, catching him off guard and overpowering him.

I continued, hoping Bella could keep Edward busy for a few moments. "I wonder who could eat more, you of Edward?"

Eric, who was in line in front of Mike and had been keenly listening to our conversation, piped up, " You should have a contest. Right now."

Out of the corner of my mind, I saw Jasper slide up at the same moment Edward and Bella broke apart.

"Yeah, Cullen!" said Mike, rising to the bait like I knew he would. "We SHOULD have a contest.

Jasper picked up on what this was leading to and sent out waves of overwhelming competitiveness.

"I'll pay for every single slice." I offered. "You just have to eat them."

Bella looked up at Edward with pleading eyes. "You should!" she said sweetly. She was getting good at acting.

"No, that's okay." Edward tried to back out gracefully, but we wouldn't let him.

"OH, come on, Edward!" retorted Jasper. "Don't be chicken!" the waves of competitiveness intensified, aimed heavily at Edward.

Right on cue, Eric started flapping his arms and cawing like a chicken.

"Buck! Buck! Buck-KA!"

"But-I don't want to-"

"Chicken! Chicken! " Mike picked up on the taunting.

"FINE!" Edward growled. "If only o get you to stop.

Like a mouse drawn to cheese, Emmett showed up at the mention of competing.

"Who's making bets?" he called over the heads of the crowd. "Who thinks Newton will win?"

Several people swarmed around Emmett. Money exchanged hands.

Emmett came up to Edward with a serious look on his face

"You better win, bro. Cuz I got $20 riding on you." He said.

"All those people bet on Mike?" Bella asked.

Emmett nodded.

This plan was getting better and better!

It was our turn at the cash register and I told the lunch ladies to keep 'em coming. I would pay for them as soon as someone ran out of the competition.

Mike and Edward sat at the table across from each other, each armed with several slices of pizza. A crowd gathered as rumor spread through out the school.

"Okay!" I said, clapping my hands for attention. "We need rules. Rule#1: No pausing. You must eat nonstop. Rule #2: Winner is the person who doesn't quit. Rule #3: Loser must do the chicken dance outside the school, daggers coming out of his eyes.

"Hands on your guns!" I said. As soon as they both had they're hands at their sides, I said, "Ready…set…GO!"

Edward grabbed his first slice of pizza and chewed it with a look of pure disgust on his face. I made sure a student on yearbook staff snapped a photo of it. Mike Newton, on the hand, ate avidly, determined to win.

EPOV:

Each bite weighed on my tongue in a gluey lump. Oh, boy, was Alice going to PAY!

This was absolutely disgusting, like chewing dirt. But there was no way I was gonna let that perv Mike Newton win. Especially after the thoughts I'd begun to pick up from him.

_Maybe Bella will choose me if I win this. I'd really like to go to her house…_

_**MIKES POV**_

__Cullen looked truly revolted at what he was eating. I thought he liked pizza, though this was the first time I'd ever seen him eat.

I tore down my first slice and rounded on my second.

"Two, " the crowd counted.

I smiled, thinking of all the lovely things I could do if Bella choose me instead of pretty boy Cullen.

EMPOV:

I watched with growing delight as Eddy and Newton tore down piece after piece of pizza.

As they or near 10 slices, I began to watch Edward's face closely.

"He looks sick!" someone in the crowd said, drawing great amusement from those gathered.

Slowly, Edward, if at all possible, got paler. When he got as pale as he could go, he stared turning green.

"Look! He's a traffic light!" I boomed. 'Green means go!"

"Mi-ke! Mi-ke!" a cheer went up.

Alice and Rosalie, who had shown up shortly after the compition began, became quite the cheerleaders.

"Let's go, Eddy. Let's go!"

All the while, Jasper sent out wild emotions, feeding the crowd.

APOV:

Quite suddenly, Edward creaked. He flung down the slice of pizza he was holding. He jumped from the table and ran out the door, hand over mouth.

Mike Newton was declared victor.

I walked out of the door and casually leaned against the wall next to the Boy's bathroom.

Edward emerged looking flustered.

\

"Something wrong, Eddy?" I asked simply.


	10. The Chicken Dance!

Hey peoples!! These next two chapters just wrap up the pizza contest. As you hopefully remember Edward lost that contest…

_**APOV**_:

Edward lost the competition. Now it was time for him to prepare for his little after school performance.

BPOV:

I had to admit, Alice was good. Soon after the competition, news of it was on the lips of every student.

As if everyone didn't already know, fliers mysteriously appeared around the school, plastered to almost every available surface.

Stay Shortly After School!

Edward Cullen will be performing

"The Chicken Dance"

To acknowledge his defeat

Today!

Edward glowered at me the whole of last block. Surprisingly, I didn't care. This was one argument I was going to win.

The bell ran and Edward slowly gathered his things.

"Come on, Eddy!" I said, tired of waiting after only five seconds. "You wouldn't want to be late for your performance."

"Oh, of course not." he said.

"Eddy!" I put my hand over my mouth in mock appallment. "Is that sarcasm from _you?"_

Edward breezed past me, refusing to answer me.

A crowd had gathered at the foot of the stairs that led up to the building. I left Edward standing at the top of these, joining the crowd.

"Dance, Edward!" a voice chimed, and the whole crowd picked up on it happily. "Dance, Edward, dance!"

Looking malicious, Edward raised his arms. The sight of him had me laughing so hard, tears rolled down my cheeks.

"At least you know he can dance." Someone shouted to me, making me turn bright red.

The music changed and Edward was left without a partner.

Emmett bounded and grabbed the unwilling Edward's arm. Together they spun around in circles.

All too soon, the music ended and Edward was able to climb f of his pedestal of shame and defeat.

Emmett continued to stand up there, bowing elegantly, a big smile on his face, until Rosalie dragged him off.

Yeah! Fun chapter to write. I'll post the shout outs of who got my questions right next chapter, REVIEW!! And when you're done with that…check out my poll. Yes, you too Caitlin must Review!! Next chapter is a long one, unless I break it. But that will leave you with a cliffhanger. Review and stop me, if you dare. MWAHAHAHA! And after that, those annoying Italian vampires come in!!


	11. Backfire

_Hello peoples! I'm going to try and start being consistent and update every week on a single day. So check up on the story every Friday night/Saturday morning. I am marching in the parade tomorrow and this chapter is really long sooo, I might not be able to finish it and post it all tonight (It's Friday as I am typing this) _

_**And now it's time for an award ceremony type thing/ shout outs to all the people that answered my question of "What is Stephanie Meyer's middle name? And the answer was…Morgan.**_

_DxS Phreak_

_TwilightLover4Eva__- Yay! You gave me the idea!_

_JaBoyYa__ –TEAM JACOB RULES!_

_HairSpunofGold_

_**Claps!! Woo-Hoo!**_

_**And now, the story (Dun dun duuunn)…**_

**BPOV:**

The next morning, I woke to Alice screeching in my ear.

**"**Bella!" I heard distantly. "Edward's out hunting so you're staying with me for the day.

"Wha'?" I mumbled incoherently, still half asleep. I looked at the clock. 7:20 A.M. "Alice, it's Saturday. Why can't you get me up at a normal time?"

I heard her musical voice in the direction of my closet. "Because I got bored and we're going shopping."

That made me sit up. "What if I don't want to?"

"Too bad." She informed me. "You're going."

I glanced suspiciously at the outfit she had pulled out of my closet, of which I had never seen. "I don't remember owning that."

"Yeah, well, now you do. And hurry up," She added. "Esme got bored too and decided to cook breakfast for you and then Emmett started to help so…we'd better get back before they burn the house down."

15 minutes later, I made my way down to her car, parked neatly in the driveway.

"Finally." She muttered, as I got in.

She took off, speeding way too close for my comfort.

We arrived at the Cullen's house quickly. The mouth-watering aroma of eggs and bacon wafted from the house. The not-so-delicious smell of burnt toast also mingled through the air.

"Hi, dear." Esme said cheerily, as I walked into the kitchen.

"Ewe, mom." Alice came up behind me, wrinkling her nose. "Who burned the toast?"

Standing next to a smoking toaster, Emmett flashed her a sheepish grin.

"I tried to give him something easy to do." Esme laughed.

Emmett held up his hands in defense. " It's not my fault I haven't made toast in a while."

Esme cooked up new batch of toast and I settled into a good breakfast.

I was halfway through, when suddenly Alice grabbed my arm, scattering scrambled eggs everywhere.

"Something's wrong!" she whispered. "They're coming home from hunting early."

I dropped my fork. It landed with a _thud!_ on the table. "What? Why? Is Edward okay?"

"I…don't know." She looked panicked. I felt Esme behind me tense.

A few minutes later, Alice gasped. "Oh, no!"

"What?" I demanded. "What happened?"

Alice avoided my eyes and a bucket of cold, dead fear dropped into my stomach.

"What happened? It's Edward isn't it?" I asked, my voice rising two octaves.

She nodded.

"What happened?" I demanded.

"I don't know! I don't know!" she said frantically, wringing her hands. She got up and bounded to the front door, pulling it wide.

Jasper ran lightly up the steps, a look of concern on his face. With out a word, he bounded up the steps to the room Carlisle kept his medical supplies.

Seconds later, Carlisle and Emmett appeared, carrying a swinging Edward by his hands and feet. Edward's eyes were closed and he murmured something incoherent.

"Carlisle! What's wrong?" Alice and I jumped on him.

Intent on hauling him upstairs, Carlisle didn't answer.

I drifted behind, in a shocked gaze. This was inconceivable. Edward was a vampire. He couldn't die, right? RIGHT?

I pushed open the door and rushed to the gurney Edward had been placed on. Alice was there, too.

Carlisle was performing various tests.

"It hurts, Carlisle!" Edward murmured, quietly, desperately. I grabbed his hand, tears spilling from my eyes.

"What's wrong?" I asked in a strangled voice.

Carlisle shook his head, eyebrows knitted together intently.

I took a shuddering breath. Edward still had not opened his eyes.

"Edward…" I stopped, unable to th9ink of anything to say. I just stood there, rocking back ad forth, clutching his cold hand in my own.

"It's okay, love." He murmured, and then winced.

Here he was, in pain, and I was the one being comforted!

"Edward? What have you been drinking?" Carlisle asked softly.

"Nothing different…"Edward mumbled, taking a deep breath and flinching. "I did eat pizza though."

"Your insides are… damaged, almost burned." Carlisle said. "It's all right. I'll run to the hospital and get some medication. We'll knock you out, or at least try, and then I'll be able to fix it."

"You, mean…that. The pizza hurt you?" Oh, I'm so sorry Edward!"

I just cried harder, despite the feeble attempts to restrain them.

"Edward," I chocked out. "It's all my fault."

"Are you scared?" Alice asked in a broken voice.

Ed3ward shook his head slowly, his lips pressed together in a hard line.

Jasper, who had been leaning quietly against the wall, arms folded, shook his head.

"He is," he mouthed, looking surprised.

"You can trust, Carlisle." I said, trying to comfort him.

"I know, "He said. He gasped, wincing at the stain of talking with his damaged throat. "My throat is on fire!"

Moving in one swift motion, Alice removed my hand from his and replaced it with a metal pipe that happened to be lying on a table.

The pipe was soon crushed into dust.

Carlisle appeared at that moment looking windblown, his arms full of medical supplies. He ordered us out.

Numbly, I kissed Edward's forehead and stood up to leave. Alice put her arm around me, saving me from falling on my face as she escorted me out of the room.

I leaned against the wall in the hallway, slowly sinking down.

I curled my knees up and put my head in my hands. The tears were gone, replaced by terrible feelings of guilt and self-loathing.

In the room behind me, I heard Edward groan and the sound rent me in two. Goosebumps erupted on my arms, and the last few tears made there sullen way down my face.

Two hours later, despite the gentle pleading off Esme, I still hadn't moved.

_Creeeak! _The door slowly opened and my head snapped up.

Carlisle emerged, looking grim. Finding his voice, he said, "The food burnt up his organs pretty well. I did the best I could.

"Is he okay?" I croaked.

"AS long as you don't disturb him, go see for yourself." he said, stepping aside.

Drawing comfort from the fact Edward was well enough to see visitors, I pushed open the door.

The room was …empty. No Edward in sight. I looked back, confused.

The door slammed behind me and I jumped and stumbled. Two strong, cold arms caught me before I fell.

I felt Edward's cool breath in my face. "We got you good!" he laughed in my face.

"What?"

"It was all a joke! There was nothing wrong!"

Alice marched up the stairs, her face red. "EDEARD CULLEN! HOW DARE YOU!" she yelled at him.

That only made him laugh harder.

_Pretty cool, huh? I was thinking about doing this chapter in Edward's point of view so in your Review tell me if I should. It'll help the missing links in the story. Also in your review, tell me what you think of the movie, like an honest review of it. _

_**REVIEW!! **_


	12. I got you good!

_**Okay, so this chapter is majorly annoying me. I am restarting it again. I'm so super sorry that I haven't updated in a while. Midterms. But now its winter break!!**_

_**Anyways, I just realized that we passed over 100 reveiws! WOO-HOO! **_

_**Once again, check out my poll. Edward is still in the lead. **_

_**Also check out my other stories. I got a flame on one of them and that has me kinda bummed. **_

_**And now, Edward's point of view from last chapter. It starts just before Alice discovers there is something wrong.**_

__As if on cue, I collapsed to the ground, sending Carlisle in a fake panic.

"Ah!" A small gasp for dramatic effect. I felt ridiculous, rolling on the forest floor, but I knew Alice would easily react to this.

"Edward! What's wrong?" Jasper came running up. This plan was so much fun.

"We have to get him to the house." Carlisle said, slipping into the act. "Edward, can you walk?"

I quickly decided that I couldn't. I attempted to struggle weakly to my feet, only to fall down, clutching my mid section. "No!"

"Jasper, go ahead and prepare things." Carlisle issued out commands. "Emmett, grab his feet."

I closed my eyes as I was lifted into the air. Then they began to RUN and I almost began to protest, disliking the sensation of being carried.

We reached the house quickly, busting open the door. I became still, as still as only a vampire can be.

"Carlisle! What's wrong?" two panicked voices called after us as we ran up the stairs.

They placed me on a waiting gurney. I composed my face into a mask of vague pain.

Just then, the door burst open and Bella walked in, her scent hitting me like missile.

"It hurts, Carlisle!" I muttered, both for dramatic effect and reminding him to stay in character.

Bella grabbed my hand in her own. "What's wrong?" she asked in a tear stricken voice.

(_**A/N I won't ever use language again, it just adds to the effect. Sorry.)**_

Damn! I thought. Not the tears. Could I finish with this plan?

"Edward…" Bella started.

"It's okay, love." I murmured, and then winced.

"Edward? What have you been drinking?" Carlisle asked softly.

"Nothing different…" I mumbled, taking a deep breath and flinching. "I did eat pizza though."

"Your insides are… damaged, almost burned." Carlisle said. "It's all right. I'll run to the hospital and get some medication. We'll knock you out, or at least try, and then I'll be able to fix it."

"You, mean…that. The pizza hurt you?" Oh, I'm so sorry Edward!" Bella gasped. I almost gave up right then and there. Then I remembered that awful taste of pizza and I smiled, quickly turning it into a grimace.

"Edward," Bella sobbed. "It's all my fault."

"Are you scared?" Alice asked in a broken voice.

I shook my head slowly, pressing my lips together to hide a smile.

"You can trust, Carlisle." Bella said, trying to be a comfort and failing miserably.

"I know, "I said. I gasped, wincing at the stain of talking with a 'damaged throat'. "My throat is on fire!"

I let Alice in on a small vision of what was going to happen next and she intercepted, removing Bella's hand and replacing it with a pipe that was soon crushed to dust.

Carlisle appeared at that moment looking windblown, his arms full of medical supplies. He ordered them all out.

The door closed behind them with a snick! and I got up. "And now." I whispered to Carlisle, "We make out escape."

Out the window we went, to kill a whole two hours.

I returned to the room the time Carlisle did. He opened the door, composing his features to a grim face of defeat. I heard the conversation clearly, a wide grin spreading across my face.

"The food burnt up his organs pretty well. I did the best I could." Carlisle said softly.

"Is he okay?"

"AS long as you don't disturb him, go see for yourself." he said, stepping aside.

I quickly hid myself on the ceiling, spider-man style.

Bella entered slowly and I jumped down, landing noiselessly.

BOOM! I slammed the door. She jumped and, being Bella, began to fall. I caught her way before she hit the floor.

"We got you good!" I laughed in her face.

"What?"

"It was all a joke! There was nothing wrong!"

Just then, Alice came up the stairs.

"EDEARD CULLEN! HOW DARE YOU!" she yelled at me.

That only made me laugh harder.

_**EH? So what do you think? It didn't turn out the way I expected. Oh well.**_

_**In your review, I would love if you told me what you think of rob's singing. To me he sounds like a drunk.**_

_**OH! Before I forget, check out my profile. There's a link to my glogster page. :)**_


	13. Flashlights

_**See? I did say I could update a lot now that it's winter break. :) I haven't had any people on glogster…link on profile.**_

_**So…..I closed the poll. Team Jacob or Team Edward. 20-13 to Edward. I was kinda .hoping Jacob would win. :( But there is a new one.**_

_**And now, once again, on to the story.**_

_**BPOV:**_

Alice and I remained in a furious scheming silence the entire school week. I talked to Edward only when I had to. _Stupid vampire. _By the time Saturday rolled around, Alice and I had come up with a plan of revenge.

Alice picked me up on Friday night; I would spend the night at the Cullen's and then spend the day with her.

Charlie had his eyes glued to the television screen and couldn't manage more than a "See, ya."

I got out of Alice's car, arriving at the Cullen's quickly thanks to her swift driving, and the plan was in motion.

Alice led the way, dancing ahead of me. I mounted one step and…tripped. On purpose this time, mentally praying Alice was right about this.

Two strong arms caught me and I sighed in relief. Edward set me on my feet. I wobbled, and his arm snaked out wrapping around my waist.

Rather than shrug his arm off, like I had been doing all week, I allowed the contact.

Edward chuckled. "Still mad at me?"

"No," I replied. "I've missed your hugs too much."

He turned to embrace me, and we kissed. He pulled away much too soon, as always. I had been telling the truth when I said I missed his hugs all week.

"I'll leave you two alone." Alice said, disappearing into the house.

Edward glanced at the sky. "You know, love," he said. "It won't get dark for another couple of hours. To the meadow?"

I gave the slightest nod and was swept off my feet and flying over the ground. _**(A/N: Her nod was tiny because Edward was so hasty she didn't have time to finish it.)**_

I closed my eyes tightly, slightly annoyed that Edward hadn't given me a fair warning.

It still amazed me, however, that Edward never hit any trees.

Edward deposited me gently in the grass, landing gracefully next to me.

We stayed there, talking and laughing until the sun began painting is bloody good bye and the shadows lengthened.

_Later that night, in Edward's bedroom._

After dinner (for me), Edward carried me to his room. I snuggled in his arms and we talked for hours. Soon, I started yawning.

Of, course, he noticed. "Bedtime for the human." he stated simply.

"Yes, mother." I said, a hint of what was going to come. I reluctantly extracted myself from the comfort of his arms and headed to the bathroom.

In the hall, Alice lurked behind the door. She handed me a small LED flashlight, one of the really bright ones.

"You know what to do," she mouthed, a wicked grin spreading over her pale face.

I changed quickly, eager to get back to Edward.

He was waiting on the couch. I climbed into his arms and he kissed the top of my head.

"Good night, love." he whispered.

I remained quiet a few moments, pretending to be drifting off.

"Edward?" I asked suddenly. "Why a Volvo?"

He shifted underneath me. "What do you mean?"

"Why did you pick a Volvo? Why not a…Volkswagen? Or a Ford Mustang?"

"Bella," Edward breathed, exasperated, "Where is this coming from? I don't know why I picked the Volvo. It was nice."

I twisted, fumbling for my pockets, almost falling off of Edward's lap in the process.

My hand tightened around the small flashlight and I turned to face Edward.

"You mean you had no reason to pick a Volvo? It was just a mere whim?" My voice crept higher. "You had me thinking that every decision you made was carefully thought out?! You fooled me!" How do you explain yourself, Edward Cullen?"

I pulled the flashlight out of my pocket and snapped it on, directly shining on Edward's face.

He blinked, pulling away.

"Dang it!" I exclaimed, my voice back to normal. "You didn't go all sparkly!"

Edward looked at me, bewildered. "Bella?" he asked tentatively. "Is every thing all right?"

"Why, Eddy?" I asked. "Does there have to be something wrong?" I gave him a hurt look.

"No…" he trailed off. "It was Emmett or Alice, wasn't it? They gave you something. You're not on crack, right?"

I almost laughed. Instead, I managed to turn it into a gasp.

I'm insulted, Eddy!" I said, disapproval coloring my voice.

Edward closed his eyes and groaned. "Oh, no."

"Wow, Edward." I said. "For a vampire, you're pretty slow. Emmett is cooler; he would have got that."

I yawned again, a big one this time.

"Go to sleep, _Isabella."_ He said an order.

I settled down, a satisfied smile playing across my lips. Tomorrow would be even better.

_**Soooo, I was going to make the weekend one long chapter but I split it apart. So to the person who wanted the volturi puns- THEY ARE DEFINATLY FOR SURE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!**_

_**I put a couple of different annoyances so just in case you missed them:**_

_**1) Shine a bright light in his face, and then say "Darn, you didn't go all sparkly!" (That's my favorite! XD) **_

_**2) Tell him that Emmett is cooler.**_

_**Did you all get the fact that Bella had to make up with Edward so it would be more of a surprise when she started annoying him?**_

_**I now have two Twilight vids on you tube!!! I'll try and put a link in my profile.**_

_**REVIEW!! :)**_


	14. Volturi Puns and Pulses

_**Hello people!!! So I think I might be suffering a mild form if writer's block (sigh) so it might be a super bad chapter. If you guys agree, I'll rewrite kay? **_

_**I hope you people had a good Christmas. I now have four Twilight shirts so, I did!!**_

_**And now, let the show begin**_

_**XD**_

I woke up still snuggled in Edward's arms. He knew I was awake right away.

"Morning, Bella." he said warily.

"Morning, Eddy." I said brightly. I left his arms and headed to the bathroom, eager to get the show on the road.

After I was dressed, Edward followed me downstairs. Alice and Jasper were gathered in the living room.

"…I mean, I know the Volturi think there doing good, but all they really do is get in the way and make a nuisance of themselves," Jasper was saying.

"Yeah, but they are pretty dangerous. And powerful. They can afford to be annoying." Alice countered.

"Dangerous…" Jasper agreed.

"Jane's power is like super scary," Alice said, "But I was doing some thinking and it's actually really a cool power" –she looked around surreptitiously to make sure Edward was listening- "Much better than mind reading. Significantly better than mind reading, actually."

Just then, Alice pretended to catch sight of me. "Morning, Bella!" she said brightly.

"Hi, Alice," I said, hiding a smile. "What cha guys talking about?"

"I was telling Jasper how much Jane's power is better than mind reading." Alice replied.

I watched Edward's face carefully for a reaction. His eyes narrowed at Alice.

"Come on, Bella," he said, pretending to ignore that last comment. "Let's get some food in your system."

I followed him to the kitchen, where he fixed some scrambled eggs (_**hee hee)**_ and toast. Then he sat across from me at the table, one arm resting across it.

I eyed it gleefully and reached out to take his hand, my right still busy eating. He smiled and squeezed it gently. I trailed my fingers up his arm, so that my fingers were resting against his vein.

I impatiently sped through my breakfast, not giving him the chance to move.

Spontaneously, I lay down my fork and frowned, a little cease forming between my brows. "Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"You…you don't have a pulse! What's wrong with you? You don't have a pulse."

I made a major show of freaking out, my voice quivering and breaking in all the right places. "Oh, my gosh, Edward! Should I get Carlisle? He'll know what to do!"

"Bella," Edward hissed. "Please stop this. It's not funny anymore."

_**And I'll end it there because I feel like I owe you guys a chapter. **_

_**I'll be baby sitting again tomorrow so I'll try to update again.**_

_**To the Volturi lady: I tried. I have a few other ideas so I'll sprinkle some more attempts in the next chapters. Do you have any ideas?**_

_**As always, review!! If we make it to the two hundred marker pretty quickly, I might decide to update faster. Death threats might work. If they make me laugh. :) **_

_**The reason I haven't updated a while is because I'm working on a story of my own. But I need a title. It's about a werewolf with a very bad past that falls in love with a girl. It's better than it sounds. Hunters and evil galore! Any suggestions from my faithful readers? **_

_**Don't give up on this story yet! Yet to come we have: CareBear themes, a surprise visit from Mr. Spunk Ransom (maybe) and possibly Volvo and CD Destroying. And maybe some purple hair. Hee hee.**_

_**~teamjacob1**_


	15. Purple!

_**So I'm in a really weird "TYPE!" mood so I'm going to work on the next part of the weekend. Hopefully I can finish it before it gets too late.**_

_**I've been inspired by all the AWESOME reviews and ideas. And one hilarious death threat. XD**_

_**I forgot to tell you last chapter but there is a new poll up on my profile.**_

_**  
But enough of my babble. Let's annoy Edward some more!!**_

BPOV:

I looked Edward straight in the eyes. "Do you honestly think that after what you did that, this little scene was all I'm going to pull?" I grinned mischievously. "You are in for a BIG surprise."

Edward moved his lips, silently fuming. "But you two started it!" he burst out.

"And we'll be the ones to finish it," Alice said, dancing into the kitchen. She glanced at Edward and her little face crumpled in frustration. "Edward, your hair's all messed up."

He instinctively raised a hand, running it through his hair and messing it up even further.

"So?" he read her thoughts for a few moments. "No! I think I've been in existence long enough to know how to fix my own hair."

I pulled down my eyebrows, not recognizing this part of the plan.

"Go, Edward! To the bathroom. You never fix it right in the first place."

Edward sighed but picked himself up nevertheless. He had enough experience with Alice to know that she wouldn't give up easily.

I drifted behind the two, up to the bathroom. Alice sat Edward down on the toilet and disappeared.

He sighed. "Hugely annoying."

I smirked at him, looking innocent.

Alice can back, a dark cloth in hand. "I want it to be a surprise," she said. "And I don't trust you not to look one bit."

Much to my surprise, Edward obeyed and tied the cloth around his eyes. "I don't see anything devious in your thoughts. At the moment."

"Okay," Alice picked up a can of what looked like hairspray. A look of concentration settled over face as she tried very hard not to think about what she was doing.

The cap opened with a _pop!_ and Alice began spraying the stuff into Edward's hair. I did my best to stifle a gasp.

It was a can of spray on hair day. Of the bright purple variety.

Alice sprayed until every one of Edward's messy locks was a bright purple.

"All done!" she trilled. "It looks great."

Edward removed the blindfold and I involuntarily took a few steps back, bracing myself for the explosion.

He spun around quickly, catching sight of himself in the mirror.

"Alice! What did you do?" the words came out in a hiss.

He spun around, disappearing down the hallway.

"Oh, dear," Alice said softly. "Going to his room won't help very much, will it, Bella?"

A few seconds later a high pitch shriek echoed across the house. Edward appeared, dragging a whimpering Emmett behind him by the ear.

"And I suppose you're responsible for this as well?" Edward snarled.

Alice plastered on a look of innocence. "What do you mean?"

"My bedroom is now decorated in a Care Bear theme!" he thundered. "You told Emmett to do it! I know you did!!"

"Innocent until proved guilty." Alice replied. She turned to me. "Edward is prone to over reaction these days. I wonder what'll happen when he sees the Volvo."

I couldn't reply, still bent over with laughter at the sight of a purple-haired Edward dragging Emmett down the hall.

_**Oh! Cliffhanger! He he.**_

_**REVIEW! Death threats work nicly because they tend to be amusing.**_

_**Also I was thinking of maybe closing up the story soon. I still have A TON of ways to annoy Edward but I don't want to get boring. Review and I'll keep going until my creativitly runs out.**_

_**No body came up with any titles for the story I mentioned last chapter so that's still open. **_

_**~teamjacob1**_


	16. The Volvo

_For this chapter, I dedicate it to all the AWESOME people who gave me ideas. I'll mention more later because I really want to start writing this chapter!_

_And now…to the story!!_

EPOV:

My Volvo. My precious Volvo. What had they done to you? I stood there, brokenly, gazing at my trashed car, fury slowly beginning to boil.

It was purple. Bright purple that now matched my hair. And that wasn't the worst of it, not by far. Pink racing stripes adorned the hood, running all the way to the edge of the bumper. Written across the side I happened to be looking at (the passenger's side) was the words "Edward is a Barbie Girl!" Written on above that was "Edward and Mike Forever!". The seats had been refurnished in bright pink, leopard spotted patterns. Super glued to the top of the car, like a giant bow, was a whole collection of condoms. Further down, scratched in gigantic capital letters, were the words "EDWARD LOVE PURPLE AND PINK PONIES!".

I circled around, almost too scared to see the rest of the damage. Written on the back window, in what was clearly Jacob's untidy scrawl, was a list.

_All the OTHER ways werewolves are better than Edward Cullen_

_1. We don't smell like rotting tomatoes  
2. We can kick your butt, easy if you didn't cheat (the mind thing)3.  
3. We heal. Not much need for Dr. Fang except when leeches are around _

A messy string of cans were attached to the bumper. I picked one up and wiped of the dirt. So Jacob had helped with this part too. It was a prank label, which read, "Cream of Blood Soup" (_A/N: Don't ask, I have no idea how this is possible at all)_

I dropped in disgust and turned to the driver's side. Written on the window, next to a crude drawing of a pair of lips, were the words....I turned my face away, unable to bear looking at my beautiful, ruined car.

"Oh, Brianna. You poor, poor car."

Alice walked up and put a hand on my shoulder. I snarled, shrugging it off. "By the way, Rosalie has it rigged. This pile of junk"-I winced at those words, exhaling loudly- "won't go over 30 miles an hour."

I turned to face her, sinking into a low death crouch. "Three…two -you better run Alice!-...ONE!

I took off after her, using my full speed. She ran, tossing words at me over her shoulder as a she went.

"Now, Edward. You wouldn't want to anything hasty, now would you?"

I snarled in response and continued to run.

_5 hours later, after Edward has successfully managed to capture Alice, tie her to a tree, leave her there, come back with her ENTIRE wardrobe, and then rip it apart in front of her, all the while switching back and forth to mumbling, "Brianna! My poor Brianna!" and snarling (at Alice), "You VILE, TWISTED, LITTLE, COACHROACH! What have I ever done to you??". _

_After words, he washed and rewashed his hair, trying to wash all the purple from it. It didn't work._

BPOV:

"You know, Edward, we should probably take the Volvo to a mechanic and get it fixed up," I suggested quietly, hoping he wouldn't fly off the handle again.

He glared at me. "You think I'm actually going to drive it like that?" He snorted. "Yeah, right."

"You're going to have to eventually." I reminded him. "Why not now? It's getting dark. There won't be that many people on the road."

He sighed, defeated. "I guess."

He stood up, stretching out if the position he had held since returning from the bathroom, his hair sodden and still very purple.

I followed him as he grabbed his keys and opened the door to the car. I had trouble hiding a smirk when I saw the words printed on the driver's side of the car.

"This is going to be humiliating," he murmured, getting in.

_Sorry, guys, but that's as far as I have patience for right now. Thanks to everyone who gave me ideas on how to annoy Edward for this chapter. _

_A big round of applause for:_

InEdwardCullen'sArms,

Twilight96

Kolored

Aliceandra

Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen

xXKyle CullenXx

DxS Phreak

DefyingGravitywJB

Jasper Hale is My Luver

IamNotStalkingEmmett

Chocoholic123

i-bit-a-pillow

_Thanks guys! _

_I also want to say a super huge, amazing thank you to __**Live In Dreams**__ for both her ideas and informing that LCD was a TV and NOT a type of flashlight. Oops. _

_Just to get remind you, in the next chapter, there will be:_

_What is written on the driver's side. *snickers*_

_And what happens when Edward turns on the radio. (MWAHAHAHA!)_

_Also, one last thing. You really need to go and read my friend's (I can't remember her pen name, it's a weird one) Fruits Basket story. It's super hilarious! Link in profile._

_For now, _

_~teamjacob1_


	17. Honk

_Hiya peoples! The Volvo Part 2! BTW, if you don't know the song "So Hott" by Kid Rock, go to Youtube NOW and look it up. Then come back! :) _

_TO CAITLIN AND OTHERS TO WHOM THIS MIGHT APPLY TO: Don't watch the video with the volume on if there are parents in the room. =]._

_Here we go!_

_BPOV:_

Edward slammed the door of the Volvo harder than normal. _(He was REALLY pissed.)_ Warily, he turned the key in the ignition.

"Holy Crow!" he yelped. "So Hott" by Kid Rock blasted across the speakers at a deafening volume. Recovering himself, Edward reached towards the volume. He snapped it off, removing a note tied to the dial. He studied the note for a few seconds before impatiently dropping it on the floor.

Curious, (_remember, Bella did not help with the Volvo destroying. She was keeping_ _Edward busy) _I picked up the note.

_Edward-_

_You know that the lyrics to this A W E S O M E song match your feelings towards Bella._

_-From your loving family, who warns you to keep those indecent thoughts to a minimum. It's ungentlemanly. _

The words to the song came flooding back to me and I flushed. Beside me, Edward sighed impatiently as he turned onto the highway.

I watched with growing amusement while the drivers of the first few cars we passed stared unflinchingly, they're mouths flopped open like a fish. A few recovered, big smiles stretching across their faces.

And then the honks began. From almost every female driver (and a few guys too), a honk was issued from their horn as Edward passed them.

He slowed, braking for a red light. An elderly lady in the car next to us looked carefully at the car before blowing her horn.

That pushed me over the edge. I busted out into hysterics. I saw the hard ridge of Edward's jaw however, and quickly stopped.

"Bah!" He said quietly. "Talk about indecent thoughts. She's 90!"

A giggle escaped. "Hee hee"

Suddenly, Edward groaned. "Oh, no."

I looked at him, expecting him to explain, but he just shook his head.

Jessica's Point of View:

Carefully, I wiped away the grime that had built up along the steering wheel of my parent's car. They had made me "take advantage of this day" and go out to wash the car. Grr.

I looked up at the road for a moment and gaped in surprise. "Cullen?"

It was. Edward Cullen was driving down my street at this moment! Then I saw his Volvo as he swung around the corner. The driver's side was conveniently facing my side of the street.

Written on the passenger's window, were the words "Hong if you wanna kiss me!"

Smiling widely, I reached towards the horn and blew it. When I looked up again, I noticed a small detail I had missed. Smile fading, I waved to Bella in the seat next to him, who was starting to look just a little upset. Oops.

Bella's POV:

We passed Jessica's house and I bit my cheeks to Keep from laughing as she honked the horn of her car. _(This_ _was the face stupid Jessica thought was rage/jealousy. :))._

As we turned another corner and neared the Mechanic's garage, I could practically feel Edward's relief.

He pulled in the garage slowly. To top it all off, a female semi-truck driver, about 40 years old, blared the horn of the semi she was driving while pulling away from the Mechanic's.

_AH, poor Edward. He's got old ladies honking at him. But if you think about it, they are the right age, no? _

_In closing, I want to say thank you to EVERYONE who has read this story and reviewed and who continue to be patient with my irregular updates. I'm sorry about that._

_And in happier news: We broke 200 reviews the other day! WOOT WOOT!_


	18. Joe and Fabio have Fun

_This is dedicated to Twilight96, for giving me this idea. Thanks!_

_  
BPOV:_

A few days passed and both Alice and I kept low profiles, wary of Edward's inevitable revenge. She dragged me to the Cullen's for a sleep-over the first chance she got. (Apparently, she's forgotten all the things she used to do before annoying Edward filled her time.)

On that particular Friday (at around 10'o clock P.M.), I was curled up in Edward's arms, watching the old 1940's version of _Pride and Prejudice_ (while Edward tutted over Mr. Darcy's "idiocy").

Emmett walked in, grumbling to himself and purposely knocking over the house of cards Jasper had been working on for hours. (Poor Jasper. Ever since Alice found that list, she had stopped paying attention to him. He was sadly lost without her.)

"Edward, I'm bored. Let's go somewhere" Emmett said, using his five-year-old voice.

Edward glanced at the clock. "Emmett, I'm kinda busy."

"Nooooo, you're not. Watching a movie is not "busy"."

"And you were planning on doing what, exactly?" Edward asked, wary of the answer.

"Well, they just opened a new bar in Seattle. We could go there." Emmett perked up when Edward started to play along with him.

"Um..."

I drew my attention from the movie and my thoughts on how Mr. Darcy could never compete with Edward. (_I love Mr. Darcy, though.)_

"We should try it!" I said.

"Bella, love. You're still underage. Why would you want to go to a bar?"

I looked up at him, smirking. "So are you, Edward."

"That's beside the point." Edward waved that away impatiently. Cool, I had annoyed him without even trying.

"Can vampires get drunk?" I asked.

"Like we would try drinking that horrible stuff." Edward sniffed.

"There are other things at a bar other then drinks." Emmett supplied.

He looked over at jasper, who was laying the foundations for a second house of cards. "What about you, Jasper?"

"Huh?"

"Convince Eddy to go to the bar with me and you. I'll get Alice to come." Emmett said.

"Jasper's head snapped up at the mention of Alice. "Get Alice to come first and then I'll help you." He crossed his arms and looked at Emmett expectantly.

"Oi! Alice! Get down here!" Emmet boomed. She appeared before the last word left his mouth, already anticipating his calling.

"Will you come with us?" Emmett asked in his normal voice.

"Is there a store at this bar?" she asked hopefully.

Emmett grinned, sensing triumph in the air. "You bet."

Alice turned her attention to her husband, her expression thoughtful. "I miss spending time with you, Jazzy. What the heck! Let's go!"

Simultaneously, everyone turned to look at Edward.

He sighed. "Fine. If Bella wants to go, I'll go. Sheesh."

And with that, we were on our way to Seattle. I bounced in my seat the whole way, strangely excited.

XOXOXO-At the bar, after a LONG car ride (for Edward) which included Emmett singing country and 70's music at the top of his lungs and Bella getting a mysterious phone call from a certain person named "Joe" that insisted that she was the love of his life and had recently given birth to his son, Fabio. This, of course, got Emmett to insist that Edward should dump Bella because he was cheating on her with another man. XOXOXO-

BPOV:

Inside the bar was a flurry of activity and loud music. The majority of the people gathered were men. The walls were hung with bright colors that flashed under the neon lights.

Emmett swaggered over to the pool tables, cracking his knuckles and leaving us standing there stupidly (At least, it _felt_ stupid).

Alice soon grabbed Jasper and headed to the small "store". I was left alone with Edward.

He pulled me over to the wall farthest from the door, just at the edge of the dance floor. "See, love." he whispered in my ear. "There's nothing to do here."

"Hmm." I frowned, unhappy that he was right. I cast my glance towards Emmett, who was surrounded by –oh my, _gosh-_ giggling guys. Now I knew why Emmett had been so fixed on getting Edward to go with him. The men surrounded him, all of them flirting shamelessly.

I surreptitiously watched as Emmett made large gestures in our direction. With a jolt, I realized his plan.

Thinking quickly, I looked up at Edward. "Stay here, 'kay? I'm gonna go find Alice."

And before he could protest, I flounced off. Within a few seconds, Edward was surrounded. (_**A/N: She had to leave so that the guys wouldn't think that Edward was "unavailable".)**_

"Bella!" Alice came up behind me.

"Alice!"

"Some plan Emmett came up with, huh?" she remarked.

Emmett appeared behind us, drawing himself up proudly. "Yep, and I thought of it all by myself." he boasted. (_**I'm a big kid now!)**_

"Shh!" I kept my eyes trained on Edward, straining to hear the conversation. Edward was looking increasingly frazzled.

"My name's Joe," a guy said, leaning against the wall and trying to sound seductive through his slurred words. "What's yours, handsome?"

I would have gagged, had not Edward's face been so hilarious.

"You doin' anything tonight?" Joe asked, not waiting for an answer.

"N-Yes! Yes, I am, actually." Edward changed his mind abruptly. I saw his eyes narrow in disgust as he picked up Joe's thoughts.

"I-I have to leave now."

"Oh, that's not fair." Joe slurred.

For an instant, I saw a grim smile flash across Edward's features. Next to me, Alice tittered. "That's not going to work." she sang.

"Sorry, Joe." Edward said sweetly. "I have a date with Fabio tonight."

Brushing past him, Edward came to join our little viewing party.

"You thought that was funny?" he hissed.

"Yeah, and it was even better when you tried to ruin it by playing along!" Alice said, chocking on laughter.

"Come on, Bella. Let's go." He grabbed my arm and turned to leave.

"Hurry, hurry, Edward!" Emmett called after him. "Don't want to miss your date with Fabio!"

_Thanks again for suggesting this!  
__If I ever have spelling mistakes, please don't hesitate to tell me so I can fix it! :) _

_Also, be sure to check out my profile. I have a poll up and links to my youtube and glogster accounts. _

_Thanks~!_


	19. Piano

After the whole Joe-incident, Edward took me to the Cullen's in the Volvo, leaving Alice, Jasper and Emmett at the bar.

"Bella?" Edward shook me awake, as I had been lulled asleep by the Volvo's soft purr (Edward's maniac driving aside) and the scent of Edward that clung to his jacket draped across my lap.

He swooped me up, bridal-style, and carried me into the living room. Feebly, I protested. "I'm… awake." I yawned.

He chuckled, though I could still feel his anger, betrayed by the tensed muscles in his arms. Nevertheless, he gently set me down on the living room couch.

He pressed his lips to my neck for a moment. "I'll be right here." he murmured softly in my ear. "Just let me calm down."

"Mm." I agreed sleepily.

I felt him leave and all was quiet for a few moments. Then I heard a small curse from somewhere behind me and a dull thud.

"Damn dog!"

EPOV:

Piano. Music. Debussy. Hopefully, these things would distract me and stop me from racing back to the bar and KILLING EMMETT!

_Breathe, Edward. _I told myself. _Calm. In and out. Calm. (__**Poor Eddy. He's really losing it. He's gone and forgotten that vampires don't need to breathe!) **_

I gently placed Bella on the couch, too distracted to whisper anything more than "I'll be right there. Just let me calm down,"

I wondered over to the piano, forgetting to breath. I uncovered it and slid onto the bench.

I paused, with my hands raised above the keys. Preparing to play, I took a deep breath- and wrinkled my nose in disgust.

The whole freaking piano smelled like dog! WET dog. What did the mongrel do, rub himself all over my piano?

I closed the top to the keys with a small _thud._

"Damn dog."


	20. Sparkle, Sparkle

_**Let me start this chapter with a big, huge, GIGANTIC apology. I'm sorry. I haven't updated in FORever and I feel really bad about it. I'm going to try and make it up to you awesome readers by making a HUGE effort to submit more frequently. :D Hugs and forgiven? Sorry that Bella goes a little OOC at the end. It makes it funny.**_

_**BPOV:**_

When I opened my eyes to sunshine the next morning, I instantly had a new plan formed.

Sometime during the night, Edward must have carried me to his bedroom because when I woke I was there, in his arms.

I rolled over so that I was on top of his chest.

"Good Morning, love." he said, eyeing me with a wary expression.

"I love you," I told him, unable to say anything else.

He kissed me deeply, much longer than usual. "I love you," he responded.

We lay there for a few more minutes. It was safe and comfortable in his arms and I inwardly cringed at the thought of moving.

But I had to get this plan in motion somehow. So I said, "Can we go to the meadow today?"

He chuckled. "Anything you want."

"Good."

But I still didn't move. A few minutes later, my stomach grumbled and I sighed. Edward shifted underneath me, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't want to move," I admitted.

"I'll carry you, then," he said, rising from the bed in one swift motion, taking me with him.

Turns out, on top of everything, Edward is an excellent toast maker. I finished the huge stack he made me quickly, impatient to get going.

I looked at him expectantly.

"Well," he said. "You can borrow clothes from Alice or Rose, if you don't feel like going all the way home."

I agreed to this instantly and, a few minutes later, a was dressed and ready to go.

****************The meadow (sorry)*******************************************************

I lay back in Edward's arms and smiled up at the sky, enjoying the warmth of the sunshine on my face. Edward's hands made soothing circles on my skin.

"Edward?" I twisted around, to look at the dazzling light that reflected off his skin. "I have a really, REALLY important question to ask you."

"Anything." he murmured.

I kept still, torturing him.

"What is it?" Edward asked finally, after several minutes of silence. "Bella, please..."

I looked at him for a few more minutes. Then I popped the question. "Edward, where do you buy your body glitter?"

Edward reacted instantly, standing up violently.

"What, Edward? Are you afraid to say that you've been using stupid, cheap Wal-Mart glitter?" I asked.

"Let's go," Edward said tersely.

I crossed my arms over my chest. "I was only having a little fun." I pouted. Nevertheless, I complied to his wishes and climbed on his back.

Edward didn't speak to me at all on the way home. When he opened the door to the Cullen's house, Alice was waiting for me.

Much to Edward's added displeasure, Alice slapped me a high five. "I have a plan of my own," She whispered in my ear, her smile smug. "Answer the door."

This momentarily confused me; I hadn't heard a knock. A few seconds later the doorbell rang and I nodded in understanding.

"Delivery for, uh, Edward Cullen." a voice said, before I even had the door completely open. "One large pizza with extra garlic."

Alice came up behind me and took the pizza from the man, handing it to me. She payed him and shut the door.

I didn't need her to tell me what I was supposed to do with the pizza.

Edward had disappeared in the living room and I headed in that general direction.

"Edward.." I called.

He was sulking on the couch. I took a hesitant step forward, the pizza in front of me protectively.

Acting spontaneously, I threw the pizza box at him. "DIE!" I screamed. "Extra garlic! WHAT NOW?"

Edward stared at me, pizza sauce trickling down his chin.

"Dang it!" I said, looking at the ground bashfully. "Apparently garlic doesn't work."

_**Yea or nea? I really love reviews! First reviewer gets a shout out!**_

_**Oh, Btw, the Wal-Mart thing was inspired by the cheap sparkles in the movie**_


	21. Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

_***looks around* Hi, guys! checks for pitchforks* Really super sorry that I haven't updated in, erm, FOREVER. Please, dun kill me? DX  
And here you go, a quick chapter to get me back in the swing of things. Thank you to all the faithful reveiwers, the ones that haven't given up on me. after all this time. **_

BPOV:

"Edward?" I asked tentatively. His regarded me carefully for a few moments, remaining silent. "Do you want to..go on a walk with me?"

He let out a sigh. "Of course." he grabbed my hand, pulling me to my feet and out the door. The tender emotion on his face was almost enough to make me abandon my plan for the afternoon...._almost._

It was an unusually sunny day in Forks, and Edward lead me down the Cullen's driveway for a time. We strayed to the shadows, walking peacefully and saying nothing. Praying that he wouldn't notice, I slowly directed my steps to the side, away from the shadows and more towards the light. Edward was standing just a step out of the sunlight when I braced myself and prepared to act.

I loped a step away from Edward and then, braced myself, slamming into him. Caught of guard, Edward sidestepped into the sun. Instantly, his skin threw thousands of shimmering _diamonds _across the ground.

_A kiss on the hand  
May be quite continental,  
But diamonds are a girl's best friend._

_But square-cut or pear-shaped,  
These rocks don't loose their shape.  
Diamonds are a girl's best friend_

_Diamonds! Diamonds!  
I don't mean rhinestones!  
But diamonds are a girl's best friend~!_

I broke into song, finishing just as Edward stepped back into the shadows, glowering. I hooked my arm through his, smiling. "Ah, this walk's been fun!"

The look on Edward's face said otherwise.

**Reveiws (and ppl who reveiw) make me giddy. (:**


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